Never Enough

I am missing Matt a lot lately. I think of him daily and talk to him. I miss his humor and counsel. There is an ad on tv right now for clinical trials for people with gout. What a slap in the face...a year too late. I still get angry that he didn't seek medical help. I still get angry that I didn't visit him as much as I could have. I still get angry that noone around him thought his condition was serious enough to merit an intervention. I just really miss him. It sucks and it is not fair.

Bee's Dreams

Made a dream blog today.

Wow...really???

Have you ever had one of those really bad dreams that you just can't quite wake up from? I have and it has lasted for several years. It's a recurring dream that is in all actuality my life. How do you wake up? I do not know, but I am wanting to find out.

Mr. Matt

My good friend Matt Ellingson passed away on Monday, May 24, 2010. It was about 9 1/2 years ago that I met this incredible man. Little did I know back then that he would be a huge influence in my life. When I first met him, I had just started at my current job...bartending/waitressing (in effect slinging drinks to whoever wanted to forget their problems or whatever). He became my friend quickly, I really had no choice, he was such a likeable (sp) guy. He was quick with a joke, and so witty. He would talk about hanging out with Elvis and Joni Mitchell and I was more than willing to share my John Denver and Ted Nugent stories. Little did I know that we were all in the same play. I miss his imagination and ingenuity. He would talk to almost every person that came in the door. He touched so many lives. I would call him on my slow shifts and persuade him to come and visit. He was my guinea pig for all my jello shot recipes. He was my sounding board for all the crazy random thoughts that came into my head. He always had a cot for me to crash on if things in my personal world got too overwhelming (which they did, many a time). Several years ago he took me to go see one of my favorite concerts, Scorpions, Dio, and Deep Purple. I rode on the back of his motorcycle and met his son Jordan for the first time. It was so fun. That was the first concert we went to. He understood my unnatural love for John Denver and Simon & Garfunkel. Every time he came into the bar he would play me a song from J. D. or he would play "Who Knew" by Pink (my fav). He was such a dynamic individual and I miss him terribly. Ok, no more today.

Happy Valentine's Day

Went to bed to late and got up too soon, my head still spinnin from too much booze...I got a foot in the gutter and one in the grave...I ain't seen home in the last 3 days. OMG look what the cat dragged in...livin' my life sin after sin night rolls up and I do it again...OMG look what the cat dragged in.

Not to say this is how I feel, but...

So I was playing pool with a couple of friends Thursday night when one of them told me that he and his wife were splitting up. Well, of course the other guy I was playing with and I were sorry to hear that. I am not sure we really got any of the details, totally not needed. Well, last night his wife came into my work. I sat and talked with her for a bit and expressed my sadness about the coming break in their relationship. Her reply was surprise, as if she had no idea. She made a comment that she was always the last to know. I wanted to crawl under a rock.
The rest of the night was pretty good. I played cards with a friend that I haven't seen in a long time. Ok, not too long, just seems like it has been forever.
Work was busy today, relief was late, got a long stemmed red rose from my former boyfriend.
I have had a hard time ending this relationship. It was fraught with deceit for the first several years. The likes of which I will not explain. We have not lived together for almost a year. We still see each other about 3 or 4 days a week. I still care deeply for him, but it is not fair to keep hurting him. I am sorry.

Insomnia

I guess it is what happens when you are in this particular line of work. Even though there are not too many nights that I have to be there too late, the years of working until the wee hours of the morning have definately taken their toll on my sleeping patterns. I keep thinking I am too old for this, yet I continue to stay. I love the people I work for and with. I love the people I serve as well. I have made so many friends in the time that I have worked there. A few that I miss dearly...

Skipping School?

Today the kids had dentist appointments...early. Early enough to get them out of school for the first half. Well, after the first visit, the dentist scheduled them to be back at one for fills. So, we went and had lunch and headed back. One of my children was so upset about missing school that they wept (the other 2 wept from pure joy of missing school). So, after successfully "skipping" school today, we went to a movie. We saw "AVATAR". My kids loved the movie so much that they tried to describe it and decided "epic" was the only word that would come close. Every time we watch a movie, I always ask each one of them what their favorite part was. This was the first time that none of them could name just one part. They said the whole movie was their favorite part.